I wasn’t always interested or at all motivated by fashion. I paid hardly any attention to my looks. It wasn’t til my late 20s, I began to see my outer appearance as a reflection of inner myself; it felt good to look good. I’m my 30s, I began to see my appearance as important to how I presented myself to the world, and even began to embrace fashion as an art form.
As a young girl, I always preferred covering my body in baggy boys clothes, even on the hottest Miami summers. Yet, I still did what was expected of me in terms of societal standards of beauty. I kept myself groomed properly, as most girls do, as soon they’re given the sacred rite to a razor——even though you’d have been hard pressed to spot me anywhere in a bikini. I didn’t hate my body...but I didn’t love it either. Like the saying about one’s environment reflecting their mindset, —“a messy bed, a messy head”. Well, my apathy and shyness about my appearance reflected how I viewed myself——not necessary my outer self, but who I was intrinsically. “I’m nobody, don’t look at me,” was the voice that echoed quietly in my head whispering to others as I averted my eyes at any attention.
What I didn’t realize until recently was that my outer appearance was tied to my thoughts about myself. I now walk into a room with my head held high because I am not nobody. I don’t shave under my arms because I don’t give a goddamn about society’s beauty standards.
My appearance is for ME. It’s how I choose to present myself to the world about who I am and how I want to be treated. I’m not sure I would’ve ever understood that if it wasn’t for the disparity between who I was then and who I am now.
To all of you taking the time to read this, I encourage you to be unabashedly & unapologetically YOU. Personally, this is the one of the best gifts I could’ve given myself—even if it did take over 25 years. The feeling of validation received from oneself, is always better than any compliment or attention that comes from outside yourself. This has been a Public Service Announcement from @everydayinretrograde. Signing off.
1. 📸: @awilde.photo
2. Circa: 2001. Age 14
The phrase that began it all, Everyday in Retrograde, originally started as an off-handed joke, aimed at my own wild, eccentric antics. But the best jokes are usually based in some truth. I first heard the phrase, “Mercury in retrograde” around old friends who explained it to me as a state of influx, miscommunication between people, interpersonal drama, neurotic behavior, etc. I laughed about my often chaotic life, and said jokingly, “ my life is like everyday in retrograde.”
Several years later, compelled to articulate what this phrase, what this business endeavor meant to me, I found myself looking up the definition of ‘retrograde’. A few phrases stood out more than others:
“A degenerate person” “
To “Go back in position or time”
Upon reading those words, I thought of the mistakes I'd made, relationships sabotaged, self-fulfilling prophecies from my upbringing and poor choices I'd made in life. But I can also remember vividly as a child, feeling a burning, intuitive voice that whispered quietly, but assuredly that I would make a difference—one day. In all honesty, I don't remember ever being told that I would do or could be anything special—but regardless I was capable of greatness.
I still battle with this to this day, the yin and yang, the dark side of me and the uplifted side which seeks enlightenment, self-discovery and growth.
Yea, it was a joke. It still is. But there’s a deeper meaning to any worthwhile joke.
In terms, of the brand I’ve created and what it represents, is this:
Chaos, outragiousness, unapologetic brazenly confident behavior, not giving any fucks what other people think, fearlessness--BUT these traits are not expressed in a vacuum....These personality traits—culturally considered radical behavior for any woman— are paired with a fearless approach of tirelessly reaching out to others with whom to connect, deeply understand and empathizing with, putting oneself out there in an act of quiet, yet powerful, sincere vulnerability, being the kind of honest that makes people uncomfortable, having a desire to connect with others that overpowers any fear of being judged by others.
This is my passionate outlook because my worst fear is that on that when my life nears its end, I will look back with shame and regret—not at the choices I made—but the ones I never made, the things I was too scared to do, too much of a coward to put in the effort.
I have failed and will fail again. But what I fear more than failure is looking back on a lifetime of choices, wondering what life could have looked like if I had just had the courage to try.
So on the day of my death, may I be blessed with a lifetime of failures, maybe a few successes, but not one fucking regret.
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