MY LIFE IN RETROGRADE


Being Fierce and Fabulous: No Matter What.

The phrase that began it all, Everyday in Retrograde, started as an off-handed joke, aimed at my own wild, eccentric antics. But the best jokes are usually based on some truth. I first heard the phrase, “Mercury in retrograde” through old friends who explained it to me as a state of influx, miscommunication between people, interpersonal drama, neurotic behavior, etc. I laughed about my often chaotic life, and said jokingly, “my life is like everyday in retrograde.”

Several years later, compelled to articulate what this phrase, what this business endeavor meant to me, I found myself looking up the definition of ‘retrograde’. A few phrases stood out more than others:

“A degenerate person”

“Exhibiting deterioration” 

To “Go back in position or time” 

Upon reading those words, I thought of the mistakes I'd made, relationships sabotaged, self-fulfilling prophecies from my upbringing and poor choices I'd made in life. But I can also remember vividly as a child, feeling a burning, intuitive voice that whispered quietly, but assuredly that I would make a difference - one day. In all honesty, I don't remember ever being told that I would do or could be anything special - but regardless I was capable of greatness. 

I still battle with this to this day, the yin and yang, the dark side of me and the uplifted side which seeks enlightenment, self-discovery and growth. 

Yea, it was a joke. It still is. But there’s a deeper meaning to any worthwhile joke. 

In terms, of the brand I’ve created and what it represents, it's this:

Chaos, outrageousness, unapologetic brazenly confident behavior, not giving any fucks what other people think, fearlessness - BUT these traits are not expressed in a vacuum. These traits - culturally considered radical behavior for any woman - are paired with a fearless approach of tirelessly reaching out to others with whom to connect, deeply understand and empathize with, putting oneself out there in an act of quiet, yet powerful, sincere vulnerability, being the kind of honest that makes people uncomfortable, having a desire to connect with others that overpowers any fear of being judged by others.  

This is my passionate outlook because my worst fear is that when my life nears its end, I will look back with shame and regret—not at the choices I made—but the ones I never made, the things I was too scared to do, too much of a coward to put in the effort. 

I have failed and will fail again. But what I fear more than failure is looking back on a lifetime of choices, wondering what life could have looked like if I had just had the courage to try. 

So on the day of my death, may I be blessed with a lifetime of failures, maybe a few successes, but not one fucking regret.


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